Here i am at the polyclinic again. Exactly one week after my accidental discovery of those stress fractures... This time just for a puny headache and dizziness that i normally would just shrug off and not allow to interfere with proceeding on with the days activities... But i guess times change and people change huh. I would label thos as chao keng in the past. Now? I kinda don't care so much anymore.
I keep telling myself not to get worked up over unfairness or stupidity that I will inevitably encounter in daily life. especially NS. Yet... it seems doing so has only made me apathetic at times or over-reactive! I guess now is an apathetic moment. I just can't be bothered to report to camp at an ungodly hour just to do absolutely nothing, spending 4 bucks just on transport alone...
Lately this has been happening a lot too! I guess that's why people fear having too much free time. your mind wanders and you end up thinking too much and overanalysing stuff. being tge random guy I am I guess I'm presently dealing with it by reporting sick at the polyclinic and finding out solutions for my minor problems. I guess the somewhat peaceful solitude I get here helps too!
I just can't pit a finger on the origin of all this angst. after all I finally have a group of friends who are living in the same vicinity and hence travelling is no longer the lonely business it once was!I have even more football kakis than before. the people around are of the relaxed and fun variety. help my injury has been with me for so long I'm not even affected by it in any significant way despite its supposed serousness. So what is it that is bothering me?
Maybe its really just me? Perhaps I demand more of myself. perhaps seeing most of my friends in more army like vocations, or rising up the ranks, going through tough but cool courses I wanted to go through but never got a chance to has left me questioning myself in ways I rarely or never did before! is it really the excuse loud noise that held me back or izzit just me? is it possible that my friends were just being nice by expressing their surprise at my exclusion from such courses? Maybe I am not as good as I make myself out to be! Yet in the back of my mind, I know self doubt does nowt, so I stop myself, but then I begin again. I guess I live not so much for the moment, but only in the moment, and just exist in the meantime. doing nothing of note or importance, whileing time away, secretly fearing and hating all the nothingness.
Restlessness
Thine enemy art thou
yet in weakness
made shalt be vows
to put such moments behind bars
and be bothered by this no more.
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