One Year Older, more conundrums

Yea! I'm 20 now! Good? Bad? Ah who knows?

The older you are the more social issues you seem to have to handle, gifts, relationships, responsibilities, the list just goes on!

My recent post:

I guess gift buying is too complicated a concept for me. Too cheap and you are a cheapo, to not buy anything is weird, buy something good and there us pressure to buy one in return next time... Ahhh a simple meal and just a chillaxing time is still the way to go for me!

I mean, all this fuss over people getting to 21, and the need to buy gifts, and extravagant ones at that, from what i hear ipads, fossil watches, GEEZ!!! Where does all this money come from? Call me a miser, but if gifts are the only way to convey your friendship, then this is one heckuva material world we are in! Hmm maybe coming from a boys school whereby practicality rules, gifts just seem like an alien concept to us. Giving a VJ bear when i went to a good friends concert has probably been the only real significant gift I've given, with the pack of miniature cards given to a good friend in VS a real awkward thing (guys giving guys gifts... hmm... meh!). (English really sucks now)

Heck, whatever happened to just a simple meal, or outing to celebrate a birthday! Then the birthday boy/girl can really just relax and enjoy the occasion instead of thinking how to entertain all the guests, how to repay the gift next time, or think how cheapo the gift is! After all, memories are much more beautiful and lasting than any gift right? Unless you are an amnesiac, or the gift is a diamond,which is after all, forever ;) Speaking of which, dinner with Ken, ZY and CC followed by pool was a real nice way to celebrate a double birthday! Unbeaten for 5 games in a row for pool, with 2 gifted to me via suicide ;P And those tough shots I love to try mostly coming off! Ahh... :D And of course, no gifts! ;)

At 20, the fact I've been a happy bachelor all the way with my only long term infatuation being the game of soccer ( Manchester United just won 2-1!!!) seems to be weird too. Then again, why should I invest time and emotions unless I'm really interested in being with the person? All these stories of getting into a relationship just for the "benefits", like showing off, free sex, yeah sure, not sure its something I'll look back on and say I'm proud of! So nope, I'll take my time on this! Gotta be a decent person out there just waiting to be found right? If there isn't, well so be it! As long as I live by my principles, no regrets!

Of course, there will always be a twinge whenever you see good friends in beautiful relationships, but i guess I must admit that I am still nowhere near mature enough for that anyway! So just sit back, admire them, and only join their ranks when the right one comes!

First Ever Half Marathon!!!

2 Hrs 30 Mins

Or thereabouts XD

Thats how long i took to complete the Marina 21K! What a pleasant surprise! And the fact that i jogged non stop till around 15KM makes it even more of a surprise! Especially when taking into account the fact my max prior to this was a measly 8Km! Add to that the fact I finished ahead of Matt And Jia Han who did train prior to this, and I can say that this was a race where i exceeded all my expectations! To think I started it just hoping to finish within 4 hours!

Pleasant run overall i guess, running at night meant it was nice and cooling, Add to that the uplifting music from Gundam, Nelly Furtado, Hot Shot, Slam Dunk and some other songs i had specially selected, i felt like i could have run all the way were it not for thirst and a cheapskate mentality to not waste the free drinks ;)

Of course what would be a run without kooky participants?

A guy wearing a Singlet with words: "I don't mind you overtaking me now, I'll catch up to you later!" ; a woman with blinking lights on her shoes; a man with a crown of light up sticks...

PFFFFTTT

Life is really boring nowadays. Camp life just gives me a sense of deja vu. Booking in, doing clerk stuff and Sai Kang (geez i just attract this eh? ORBAT Chart, Filing, Cleaning...), then booking out. All the while trying not to let anyone notice me. Grah!

While i have never craved attention, i do seek appreciation. If i finish my stuff, and can be seen slacking, its cos i have earned it! I don't need you to come and say wah slack ah? Nothing to do ah? Worse still, talk back and i lose not just due to rank, but due to bias. ARGH!!! My racial jokes are starting to become less like jokes and more like facts to me, which is a bad sign, after all same ratio in driver course, totally different atmosphere! There, we were one big happy family. Here, unless you smoke/ speak malay, your jokes = you talk too much ( probably cos its in the "wrong" language). Then you have the cheek to say i don't join in?

Haix, at least with most of my own section mates ( mates as in friends not that bullshit mate ie people you stand and smile at while wishing to kick their ass) like Fik, Ful, Shah and Yann, I still can talk to them as friends. The rest? meh

Truth is, most of em ain't that bad, just my luck the influential AKA loud ones are... Empty vessels make the most noise indeed!

Haix I guess first impressions count too... Spilling Oil, being viewed as the Blue Eyed Baby of our MTT who isn't well respected( or liked), coming back from BM course with excuse boots, ah wells no point crying over spilt milk. I'll just SAF ( serve and F off) after all TIA

Being the only Chinese next week is gonna BURN! Ahh as Daughtry says be careful what you wish for, co you just might get it all, and then some you don't want. M^? Tay going to BMT means that its more fair ( based on this thinking i have about fairness and honour which has seriously caused me a lot of trouble and that i need to reduce) but also means meals alone, booking in/out alone... ah wells thank god i ain't that sensitive bout being alone eh?

But being sensitive and liking it is different! I hate being alone( for too long)! having always had small but close friends instead of big groups of friends due to my tendency to feel responsible for them in some way. (ie smaller group less ppl to worry about); as well as being better able to know each and everyone well. ( all the better for suaning)[ all my close friends will experience it, kinda my screwed up way of showing i care{ ie i know these little quirks about you that i can make fun off cos i bother to notice em!!! ;) }] And from the above, my tendency to sidetrack and think too much, pfft getting away from the point now

ANYWAY the gist? Camp life sux, cos i can't talk freely, am a minority that is not really accepted or part of their otherwise very close knit family, and am freaking lonely! All these kill you when you are a mischievous bugger who is forced to keep it all in.

Which kinda makes you think

How many PERSONALITIES can a person have without going Psycho?

I have the Good boy persona many ppl notice when i'm in a weird place, ie quiet, well behaved agreeable

Also the mad man persona when with close friends, ie cheeky, talkative

With certain friends, i can think and discuss stuff quite deeply though once in a while i'll throw in the odd random observation ( just me! ;))

When i see ppl who need more care or need help, the Older Brother personality appears, ie i explain stuff slowly, help, try to make them comfortable

When i see ppl bullying or being an asswipe to others or abusing power( pet peeve) and i'm in a position to sort it out (or not), i juz go in and own them with words or pointing out their actions or flaws in a very personal and sarcastic manner, and let as many ppl know as possible. IE taste of their own medicine X2

When working, i can get super concentrated and not do any frivolous activities at all, which is kinda unlike me.

And yet if i hate what i am tasked to do, the slacker appears. Even so, i will do the task as quickly as possible!

Kinda makes you wonder eh? After all I'm sure I'm not the only one and am as sure that I have more weird personas than those listed above!

Ahh, is this under Psychology? or should i follow my passion and go into sports?


Messed up post eh?


Might as well throw a Rhyme/ Poem in then!



Solo
In Camp
Solo
God damn

Life's a bore
Works a Chore
sitting down weakens my core
while being treated like a whore

What to do
Boo Hoo Hoo
If only i can fling the Poo
Right back at Bur-lahhh-dee you



Yeah Random Shizz alright!

Counting my blessings

Ahh wells, NS NS NS it dominates my time but thankfully not my life. Hmmm does it even make sense?

I guess I gotta be thankful that my parents have seriously relaxed their control on when i can watch matches. Now at least weekends and certain midweeks give me something to look forward to!

Of course, having almost weekly soccer sessions never hurt. I can now claim to be able to dribble past ppl! No mean feat compared to what i was able to do in the past. Of course being kinda forced to play as striker helps. And thankfully i trained my right outside foot. hehe cutting in from the left ala Nani is shiok! means i can shoot with my right foot from the optimum position. Now to work on my crossing on the run

Better yet, no more stress fracture! Bone Scan confirmed it, though i still have stress caused injuries in the region due to my now known wrong gait ( really common actually)
haha benefit? Excuse boots so i can wear my custom insoles that cost 246 bucks! XD
tho i dunno if i really wanna be a clerk till now. BORING!
but being a non smoker doin groundwork and not knowing malay? BORING TOO!
haix

Which brings me to next point: I'm on course now! :D though it ends next week =/
Ahh working in groups, ppl who are friendly and chatty( ORD mood for them really makes ppl so... zen! ) damn i'll miss this when i go back. Hope i get sent out again! Heck I'll even go for driving course encore!

And of course saw CANTONA IN THE FLESH!!! PELE TOO! haha Pele is only my height! Kinda makes me feel bad for using my height as an excuse for my average sporting ability

Ahh nice few days. Long may it continue!

Army Narmy Barmy

Grrr as I finally pass the one year mark in army, it seems like this whole year is just gonna be a drag unless i do something about it. And the something is probably one which i won't enjoy doin (downpes, Chao geng too much etc) Note: I do chao geng, anyone who doesn't is a fool :P But not too much lah!

Camp life is such a drag. Soon to be the only chinese as well as non smoking technician means that unless i miraculously master malay or join in the lung destroying activity, i will probably be stuck solo...

Everyday is just report to camp, do work on some vehicle then juz wait for dismissal... Probably utter less than 6 sentences a day?!?! Geez, guess i shoulda taken up the MO's offer to downpes instead of listen to my darn pride and stayed on in the course! Ah wells, at least i will be trainin myself to work more or less alone and independently yadda yadda eh?

ORD juz can't come soon enough

NS in 2010 Lite version

What a year 2010 has been eh? NS life has been mad, with quite a few unexpected events. After all, how many people can claim to have visited over 10 camps despite not being an MP?

Feb to May: Tekong for BMT with none other than Leopard company!

Followed by Glouchester camp 2 for 3 TPT BN

Next Sembawang camp for stay in during driving; and of course Kaki Bukit camp for driving, with a visit to Nee Soon camp in between when my buddy fell sick at night!

Post OOC, a visit to Glouchester Camp 1 for a YOG related meeting, and a visit to SAFTI MI for SAF day.

After YOG, off to Ayer Raja camp for training at OETI, which shifted to Kranji Camp 3 mid-course. Reporting sick and dental meant visits to Kranji Camp 2.

Completing the course and receiving my next posting at 9AMB, i went to Selarang camp, whereby i was posted to Pasir Ris Camp! Here i thought my journey ended, but what do I know? Apparently we are also supposed to help out at Hendon Camp! So... You know the rest ;)

Haha mad huh?

Not to mention the other random stuff that always seems to happen around me, but always comes in a deluge instead of a steady stream, kinda like Berbatov's goals eh? :)

Here's to 2011 being less of a madcap year eh? Though knowing me for me, you just never know! XD

What I really should get used to doing and really suck at...

No matter how much I try to convince myself, occupy my time, with the right stimulus... It comes back again...

And the fact my record of consecutive matches has been broken doesn't help! ( juz gotta put that in here)

Dissatisfaction

Ah long journeys and ample free time, they just tend to make you sit back and reflect don't they?
what have i really done this year?

And to be honest? Nothing of note, nothing to really shout about.

NS life now is just sooo blank! Being diagnosed with a double stress fracture will be manna from heaven for some. I tried to console myself with that thought, but just watching people take IPPT and only 1 , yes 1, guy getting silver makes me just wish i could have at least attemped it. Heck, i would give myself a 30% chance to have boosted that tally by 100%! ;) Instead, i had to be content with helping out at a checkpoint and see most people strolling around on the 2.4km run. =.= Ironic that i aggravated this apparently old injury training for IPPT, only to be denied even a shot at it! ARRGGHHH!!!

Visiting the physio and hearing her explain what the X ray meant was kinda scary. My bones were mainly of the soft variety. NOT GOOD. After all, that is how the site of the fracture is. So, in another way, my whole shin is like one big stress injury. Eesh! Looks like i'm gonna have to downpes, which leaves me with boring clerical work, which incidentally involves working with the chao gengs. Not my cup of tea... Ah wells, my health has to come first, especially if i wanna play soccer. Just let me finish my course first, I ain't gonna OOC from this one! And i haven't even mentioned how the therapy has left me feeling pain for 2 days now. And i haven't even done any at home!

And i realise I have been more emo these days too. Sometimes withdrawing into myself. Living in the moment and seemingly dying when there is a lack of stuff to do. Geez... I'm still doing the same stuff, pulling pranks, being mischiebous and all, but it feels just insufficient somehow!

Maybe I'm just lacking something in my life.

What are we really here for?

Here i am at the polyclinic again. Exactly one week after my accidental discovery of those stress fractures... This time just for a puny headache and dizziness that i normally would just shrug off and not allow to interfere with proceeding on with the days activities... But i guess times change and people change huh. I would label thos as chao keng in the past. Now? I kinda don't care so much anymore.
I keep telling myself not to get worked up over unfairness or stupidity that I will inevitably encounter in daily life. especially NS. Yet... it seems doing so has only made me apathetic at times or over-reactive! I guess now is an apathetic moment. I just can't be bothered to report to camp at an ungodly hour just to do absolutely nothing, spending 4 bucks just on transport alone...
Lately this has been happening a lot too! I guess that's why people fear having too much free time. your mind wanders and you end up thinking too much and overanalysing stuff. being tge random guy I am I guess I'm presently dealing with it by reporting sick at the polyclinic and finding out solutions for my minor problems. I guess the somewhat peaceful solitude I get here helps too!
I just can't pit a finger on the origin of all this angst. after all I finally have a group of friends who are living in the same vicinity and hence travelling is no longer the lonely business it once was!I have even more football kakis than before. the people around are of the relaxed and fun variety. help my injury has been with me for so long I'm not even affected by it in any significant way despite its supposed serousness. So what is it that is bothering me?
Maybe its really just me? Perhaps I demand more of myself. perhaps seeing most of my friends in more army like vocations, or rising up the ranks, going through tough but cool courses I wanted to go through but never got a chance to has left me questioning myself in ways I rarely or never did before! is it really the excuse loud noise that held me back or izzit just me? is it possible that my friends were just being nice by expressing their surprise at my exclusion from such courses? Maybe I am not as good as I make myself out to be! Yet in the back of my mind, I know self doubt does nowt, so I stop myself, but then I begin again. I guess I live not so much for the moment, but only in the moment, and just exist in the meantime. doing nothing of note or importance, whileing time away, secretly fearing and hating all the nothingness.

Restlessness
Thine enemy art thou
yet in weakness
made shalt be vows
to put such moments behind bars
and be bothered by this no more.

EXCUUUSE ME!!!

Hmm isn't it ironic? I look at people with a whole bunch of excuses and label them chao keng if they look fine and do not look in any particular discomfort. Now... I am among these people! Excused a whole load of stuff for 3months due to bi tibial fractures

Going to the polyclinic yesterday to get pimple cream( another story) and a referral to see a specialist for my chronic shin pain, I was stunned by the doctor's enthusiasm to send me for a specialist! oh big pimple? wanna see skin centre? 0.o obviously I gave her the eyebrow and said no.... then I asked about my ankle( not a typo) and she was like ok go cgh sports medicine. Bingo! finally a referral, especially since I wanted it looked into since jc but waited till army cos it was free! ( haha just getting my gst back :P)

So off I went to the friendly Chinese-eurasian looking Malay physiologist. he did some physical examinations then asked me to go for an x ray for my shin. ( To cut a long story short, I had somehow managed to ask about my shin and stuff after his initial queries bout my ankle :P)

Post x ray, he showed me the digital copy( wow I din know they now did that! ), which revealed that both shine had stress fractures! like wth right? start with ankle, incidentally fine), end up realising I have been living with shin fractures for some time! urgh... No wonder I felt pain after every run!

So now I have become a member of the chao keng brigade I guess. heck I can be a senior member! excuse lower limb, running, marching, jumping, heavy load, prolonged standing, sentry duty ( YAY!!! ), and IPPT ( NOOOO, MY $100!!!!) Oh ya not to mention that stupid excuse loud noise environment,explosives , and er something else... But this comes with a real heavy price besides that $100, I'm not supposed to play soccer, badminton or even jog for 3 months! 0.o

Irony? Hell yeah.

The screwed up day today was

So far so diao

Today was my Bro's B'Day, happy birthday kiddo!

BUT it was also a day my parents got into one of their stupid arguments over some small matter that they blow up and affect the whole family. =.=

So as usual, me and my bro have to act as the mediator. fine more of me. my bro is just my emotional support. after all he's kinda autistic so.... yea

Basically we had a very screwed up b day celebration lunch. it was too early in the mornin for such shit to me... and the whole atmosphere juz sucked. my bro being who he is, just enjoyed his food and i juz did my usual thing and acted happy... yeah right. look at the photos my parents insisted on taking and my eyes give me away. ever seen happy cum pissed? yea that was it all right...

Geez, if only i could be my bro. innocent and carefree. Ah to be free from worries and just be himself. No facades or acts from him which is how i sometimes wish i could be...

After all my life till now can hardly be considered normal. Being somewhat mature for my age when young meant that even my parents used me to let go of their emotions, even now they still do. My dad when to work overseas, so for a few years i was kinda the man of the house. So at all times i had to keep up this "yea i'm great" show so i don't add on to their worries. Being able to read people naturally doesn't help too. throw in the fact that while i'm no only child, after all, my bro is more like my child! and i kinda see why i never really know who i am and am always guarded about my feelings!

After all, in such a situation, what can you do? If you let it out, people worry for you. And gawd knows they also have enough on their plates. Pride and independence also makes it harder to allow people in anyway. Yet besides dealing with all my problems myself, i also gotta deal with other people's problems!

Haix, maybe i should juz stop acting so strong and just be one of them normal guys who whine and generally spoil the mood. After all doing this just means that sooner or later i'll burst... again and its never pretty. Like a solid hour hammering the ball against the wall till my leg bled and i continued anyway...

No man is an island, but sometimes don't you feel like one?

Some Songs that affect you depending on your mood

Who am I?

around different people, you behave differently
that is common and not much to worry
yet the difference is sometimes kinda scary
especially when you think through it deeply
and start to wonder who are we ...really?

is it a facade? is it a show? do we even have multiple personalities?
will we forget who we really are? or is that what we actually are?
from introvert to extrovert; from leader to follower; from talker to listener... the list goes on...

is there really such a thing as finding yourself? or is it just maintaining the side of yourself that is most socially acceptable or perhaps the one you are most comfortable with or proud of?

Times in army so far

BMT:
The most fun and interesting part of army so far! For a person who lives for the moment, this was just brill. shooting, grenades, route marches( ok i hated it, but the chance to do random mods to songs is juz shiok!), stupid stuff you do in bunk. ahhhhhh... not to mention the only real physical training i had in the whole army so far! 0.o pull-ups reached 15 with more possible if the PTI hadn't stopped me during final IPPT T.T

Leopard FTW!!! turn check bang check left right left bang LEPAK!!!!

Boosted my belief in myself to no end i guess. realised that i could do most stuff A ok :)

posted to 3 TPT BN as a driver. real disappointment when i see some of those who make it to sispec... but i guess excuse loud noise meant it was a miracle i'm pes b and could check out the real BMT so still nt bad overall. heck i was not even allowed to shoot or throw grenades so thanks SGT jumali and Warrant thong for letting me do these!

Driving course:
a real mixed bag. tortorous book outs on late sat afternoons resulting in less than 24hr book outs >.< first time driving a vehicle. drove a truck for probably the only time in my life. made friends from all sorts of backgrounds instead of the normal so called educated people. heck these were the most random guys man! but failed driving test a whopping 8 times.
1: on the way back then...missed a van during my turn and stopped a bit late
2: squeezed in and was so pissed by that darn tester i beat a red light to freak him out further
3:All the way swee, then i kept left so no reason and obstructed traffic to go back on the right lane
4: uneventful
5: squeezed in again! complimented on my driving ( best of the day but too confident =.=) but still...
6: random tekan
7: forgot to on the headlights =.= karma and real retarded moment
8: bastard tester juz wanted to fail me insisting i had almost clipped a car at least 3 m behind me...

Fitness drastically dropped and had a freaky encounter while running at night with those LARC V guys... brrr

OOC:
Attached to HQ just confirmed to me clerk life is not for me. I live for the moment! So Slacking is good but not in such mad doses. OOCing just as the world cup KO stages started was good. My first proper world cup! :) Attached as RSM PA gave me an insight into how army works. Not too impressed though to tell the truth. A relative military noob with no training asked to create restricted documents and RAC forms for YOG?!?! An honour i guess, but still kinda weird. esp as the only reason i was chosen? GP got A 0.o

Realised that i could be pretty capable and able to handle these superiors. so boosted my self confidence a fair bit.

YOG:
PVS OPS EXCECUTIVE. muah haha. erm but i juz sit in the carpark and report to OPS room about vehicles exiting... quite a cool moment i guess. the first YOG and i'm involved! now how many can say that? civi life too! way to burn part of my 1yr 10 months in army ;) reunited with those LARC V guys again :)
Exit dudes: Joshua, Jackson, Brandon, Tuck Wai, Calvin, Trevor.
Haha one heck of a moment was tricking James into staying in his position by imitating OPS RM. EPIC!!!! haha pairing 2 random fools like me and joshua will give you that ;)
Visting the istana and walking around inside was cool too. though the actual building is still a mystery.
Tempered near the end by my sudden revocation and an incident involving a missing phone...
And showed my flair for getting free stuff. YOG umbrella anyone? ;) and bryan took one of my umbrellas too or i would have had 2!

Learned to control people and stand my ground.

Celebration was kinda cool. UNIVERSAL STUDIOS FTW!!! Don't understand why so many didn't wanna go. but still Laffy, Joshua, Xian Fong( new sec comm and ex leopard same platoon o.0) and YY meant i was able to go pure crazy AKA pure me ;) Nice ending to my time with these guys i guess. All the best guys! Wish Wee Min AKA Michael could have made it tho. he woulda loved it...

OETI:
Ok only a short while there but already made some brill friends! haha so long since i had friends same year as me living in the same area. weird huh... haha seeing another side of army with the uber excuses: excuse sunlight anyone? or how about MCs for various reasons over 2 weeks? how a bout 4 specialist appointments in 1 day for 1 ankle that is more or less ok? unbullievahble!
And finally had physical training! Pull up count? Cui! like only 5 plus a bit now? learning to maintain vehicles i used to drive is a real irony too!



shall edit as things change

Stuff I realised that i didn't know

I always saw myself as a sui bian kinda guy. After all, i normally let others decide where to eat, what to do and stuff. But during one of my conversations with Brandon, he commented that i am actually a bloody opinionated guy with rather fixed viewpoints that are not easily noticed! And on reflection i guess this is true too. I have rarely if ever agreed to do stuff which go against my principles(which are getting to be a bit too much). Heck, i normally will do what i wanna do whether you like it or not! And in discussions with people, you do have to be someone who is very convincing or someone i really trust to ever change my opinion on things. Heck, even after 2 whole hours telling me the roles and difficulties faced by SGTS and LTs (yea right), i still maintained and in fact reinforced my view that it wasn't that much of a big deal. After all i come from a UG, that was much tougher than this army nonsense even though it was ONLY red cross! lol, i kinda people who wanna make me change my views sometimes. they put so much effort in, then... i say another opposing statement! The looks on their faces can be so priceless too! :P that uber du lan face when they realise they failed! especially if they had a smug face just momemnts earlier when i nod my head in mock agreement! lol sometimes i just act like i agree to save both our times, then do what i wanna later.

then again, i must say that i am a bit too easy to influence from my close friends. i mean taking history in sec school cos my cousin took it, supporting united cos he does so. taking econs cos most of my friends were. hell! i mean even psychology is due to a conversation with YJ where he preached to me ( successfully) how it will be more useful esp as the world is so stressful nowadays!

Another weird thing i notice, i am a bit too ready to help my friends even if it means giving up something for myself... its a good trait i guess, after all most of my good friends have this! but i gotta stop doing this for ALL friends. after all, not everyone is selfless even to friends. Kinda explains why i hate army so much i guess. This " care for soldiers" is totally bull st*&. I have seen so many of my friends suffer unnecessarily. those who make it are those who wayang and care only for themselves. Coming from a ug where we do not leave any man behind is a mantra to us, this is disappointing TTM.

I am a sucker for fairness, at all costs sometimes =/ I kinda get pissed unnecessarily when certain things happen even if its to ppl i don't even know! like juz frens of friends or smthing like that. another thing that ns made me realise.

I also keep my true feelings hidden too much. i may be moping or feeling really down. But i always put on this happy or brave face. for what? i don't know! partly cuz i'm a guy and guys have to be.... yeah u know lah ;) and i hate my friends to worry bout me. A moment that sticks in my mind is when i just failed driving and OOCed. most were stunned at how happy i was. heck ,i was dying inside lah. Only the IC ( Cpl Sim) saw that i was actually damn sad and talked to me and helped me to release some emotions. Maybe cos i am the older bro and the only guy at home for a few years when my dad worked overeas? But i tend to put on this bold front so people don't have to worry bout me...

Which also means when i cannot take it, i gets kinda ugly. Kicking a ball so hard, repeatedly, that my toes bled; not being able to sleep for a few days in a row. my old methods i guess. thank god for rediscovering poems or rhymes to be more accurate. no wonder artists are so emo. your best works really come when you release your emotions in the form of words or art!

I also seem to be an agony aunt for my close friends. People normally approach me for advice! i dunno why too! heck i have gotten people askin me stuff relating to relationships when i've been a single guy all my life! ( proud of it, yet wouldn't mind a change :P) family issues, studies... haha maybe cos i'm a good listener? spending a few hours listening and only uttering a few words are real common for me sometimes lol. But its kinda good too, knowing that they feel better after it. though the fact i get pissed off at unfairness and stuff mean that i kinda become a container for their grievances that gets filled up but rarely empties!

I guess i'm one of those poeple who does not do large groups. I mean, looking back , most of my gatherings consist of around 3-6 people? any larger, and i normally talk less, listen more. but in these small groups i suddenly speak a lot more, can crack those lame jokes and do all those impersonations even in public! or to be more accurate, be myself. hmm still ,i gotta improve and learn to be more... myself? in larger groups.

I am also much more confident about myself than in the past. haha those years in a boys school was great, but that coupled with the fact that all bar 1 of my cousins are male meant that i was far too nervous around girls in JC. In fact its kinda easy to spot the boys school guy lol. he's either spending too much time with girls, or too nervous and weird around them. Thankfully i think i've gotten over this nonsense now. organising people and stuff are also much easier now than in the past where i just wanted to hide one corner! ironic that i can credit NS a bit for this. After all, i see the people who get in sispec, KNOW i'm much better than most of them, and kinda determined to prove myself.

I also have weird ways to be motivated. My strongest motivators are to beat someone i can't stand or someone i respect a lot! Esp true in VS. my poor PSLE grades and the incopetency demonstrated by some who scored better made me super determined to pwn em in O's. and i got 6 points. Same rule when running 2.4km or cross country. only if someone i can't stand passes me, then i suddenly have reserves of energy just to beat them. weird i say

one last thing, i'm really lazay, so though i still got more, i shall stop now.

Kinda crazy how all that free time in NS allows you to reflect and realise how much you have changed and have become form what you thought you were.

My darkest day

I've been so down,

I've never had such a frown

It is my last day in this town

Yet i see us being ordered around by a bloody clown

I'll miss these guys

These lovers( and haters) of oily fries

Whose tests required so many tries

Cos of you i'm trying not to cry

A new chapter in Army

The organistion manned by Jabroni

Its 2 years too many

That i'm sure you'll all agree

To think that i left gaily

despite the turmoil emotionally

A brave face externally

While i was dying internally

Those photos i took the last two days

I'll cherish forever and always

The times we spent like gays

To you i'll raise a glass of Chardonnay

Juz crazy how this darn thing actually calmed me down more than mindless kicking of walls or screaming did. thanks to a someone, ok actually someone-sssss for helping me rediscover my old hobby of rhyming stuff and hence allow me to release my emotions that i otherwise keep inside and allow to keep eating at myself, till i explode when a big trigger occurs!

Geez i mean, how can a superior hence forth known as Inferior(inf) demand that we return back just because he lost his phone that was indented for him? His problem became our problem juz like that. what's worse is that most of us had just got home or were planning to go out... talk about inconsiderate egoistic Bas^&**. Better still, scolding us to find it instead of staying in the ops room when most of us were already damn pissed. Hello, just because we are forced to serve army for 2 years doesn't mean we are dogs to be ordered around like &^^(ing free labour. Pls slaves get more dignity and respect...

In fact, it is pretty visible how nonsensical this situation is. on the day of my revoc, Inf saw me, ignored me and told someone else to inform me about my revoc, All in front of me! WTF man. so juz cos i'm gonna be leaving means i'm insignificant and not deserving of respect? NVM, maybe it was a bad day due to certain stuff occuring. Fine, i'm training my tolerance.

BUT, on my last day, asking Inf for his signature so i could officially leave the unit, he looked at me like i was a retard and said: you dunno ah, this thing is everone sign le, then you ask me sign one. Got procedure, you dunno ah? Geez, i'm sure i'm an expert on such matters you SOAB. i don't expect any sympathy or even a handshake or a good luck. juz sign it and go. NO! WTF man. In comparison, the other people who needed to authorise it gave no such airs and were at least concerned as to why i'm revocating.

To think Inf gave such a nice impression of himself during my time at HQ. I could see the arrogance though, but i juz shrugged it off. such as when he looked incredulously at me when i claomed i had no laptop or external hard disk. Oh so, everyone is supposed to ahve such stuff in this day and age? well FU understand. You army ppl are SO darn out of touch with the world its pathetic. Honestly, if a real war came? Good luck guys, i'll rather fight alongside a dog. At least it'll be loyal.

Which brings me to the next point, 2 things that i really learned from army?

Do wahtever you want, juz dun get caught. AND

Cover your ass, no matter who you implicate.

Haix, not exactly good things are they?

In reflection though, these were my thoughts when i only had 2 hours of sleep in2 days and was darn emo bout leaving these friends i have made. then agin, the lack of sleep meant i may not be thinking straight, yet it also means i probably have a view that i'm not subconsciously trying to beautify for myself to feel better.

Rant over

Shiokest 2 days!

Haha this YOG lark does have its benefits! Organising all these meetings and reunions are juz so shiok!

Sat was mornin shift thank gawd. so can join Ben, Chang, Swee and WSA for badminton! and wearing that YOG shirt there juz made me a target for jokes ( hey YOG official! hey YOG athelete!) =.= bunch of bastards ;). haha but except WSA i can beat all of em! haha first time i was KING!!! table tennis and soccer is juz their domain, at least i finally found mine :) Then a meal at the round market and a walk to simei and chat :) happy! next target to beat WSA! my smash is now totally lousy... :( haix my racquet isn't the same after restringing! Nooo BLACK DRAGON!!! haha but its still good :)

Sun was hectic
Table tennis at VS at 9 was... FAIL
VS stairs not open in the first place and everyone came late... haix... oh well at least its another meet up!
Then while JC class havin outing... i unknowingly organised a PAE class outing! :P Martin did his usual thing which left me with Cheryl and Wan Zhen. GG lol, one guy and 2 gals. Kena arrow again! Geez, now i'm sec 2 boy... diaoz
haha but i'm the best again! haha gonna get big headed at this rate! my cuz's teaching me badminton juz owns! i think i improve a lot each time i play with him! though i kinda bore him a bit cos he's too good =/
ok damn random liao lol

Oh ya i only had 1 proper meal today T.T skip breakfast to meet up on time, skip lunch to meet them on time, so only had popeyes at 4 plus! geez... and i still ate very slow! haix, what happened to my appetite???

Finally a rant?

Jeez the lack of sleep this few days has caused me to almost snap today...

What's with these old fogeys walkin past and showing their leadership by asking us to do inane stuff when we have completed our tasks and juz wanna relax and do our own stuff? Haix... Jealous of our efficiency or something? Tsk tsk

Then insisting we must send ppl to collect stuff since they are on break. Erm isn't break = break?
When did it become Break Time= lets Break em by asking em to do inane and frankly redundant stuff Time? Lucky most of us are willing to cover each other. though i feel like such a heel for admittin that my friends were playin pooleven if its only to a fellow carpark guy and not a superior ( darn i wanna call em inferiors) then later trying to cover for them and say they were havin lunch! sleep deprived stupidity!!!

And those who juz are plain suck ups... _l_
if you dun wanna help, fine... dun rub it in! i can take it if its in a jokin way, not if its a humour-the-inferior way. Anw its my last few days seeing them...

juz realised that i'll probably lose all my YOG leave too! doubt they will be so nice as to ask my new unit to give me any offs for the weekends burned thanks to YOG.

At least the policemen are nice. regulars and reservist kids( ok adults) alike :) thnks to the sgt for helpin us get fans for our area, unlike the lip service we receive elsewhere >.>

OK rant over. wasn't that pissed to begin with anw, juz... frustrated with how grown men act like kids... As my leopard sgt says : you guys are F^*^ed Up! how can you lead your men liddat?

So far so hmm

With anticipation
Yet trepidation
I am here to serve the nation
To put me as a darn technician
What's it mean about my qualification?
Those long years of education
This is its culmination?
All those years of expensive tuition
I sigh at its ultimate fruition
As army serves to create friction
Using lingo with poor diction
How i wish these were just fiction
A figment of my imagination.


Geez i came up with this lump in 10 minutes? haha how bored and frustrated i was i guess doing carpark duty... Today was just a hmm... shock to the system? Entered the ops room a while and boom! OC walks past, looks at me and tells the seniors that they better dun owe me Off cos i got maintenance course on 30 Aug, revocated as technician... WTF?!?! hmm why din he tell me to my face anw zzz... I was juz erm stunned for i dunno how long before i started askin how izzit.
Verdict? very mixed. My fellow OOCs are jealous, my seniors say good luck, mand most imptly , my cuz says its not too good bar the free sgt rank. is this my reward for ranting about not getting sgt rank when i see ppl who don't deserve it getting it? i dunno. but it sux to have to start makin frens all over again >.< heck, its stay out, so how many friends/ and how much more spending?
oh well watchin united now so continue next time

YEA 3-0!!!

ok now with a better mood lo lolz

Anw carpark ops so far is kinda ok i guess. lots of time to do stuff with not many ppl monitoring you! Depending on the ppl with you, can do shifts so i could go to times and read mags for an hour plus! GUUS ah! Afternoon shift ain't too bad in terms of freedom. playing with the comms and tricking my friend to stay when he could leave... haha James :P guess i still have it! :) only drawback? ventilation is switched off at 7pm so till 11 is kinda stuffy and its 1400 to 2300

mornin shift is more strict i guess, big shots around= cannot fool with comms too but its from 0745 to 1530 or now changed to 0700 to 1500 but can secretly supsoup at 1400 :P

note: supsoup means short sharp and sweet, but can mean leaving, a curse, erm basically its the alternative to F^*& though i probably already used F^*^ a few times already so i dun see why i gotta censor it ;)

On further reflection, this revoc may not be too bad, i hope and stay out means i can follow united properly! oh well hope springs eternal i guess

As for frienDs life wise, its good i guess, all this free time juz made me miss em more; and more able to organise meetings :) Badminton this sat AND sun! first with the dinner club ppl and WSA
then with JC PAE ppl lawl. costs seem ridiculous though. 7.4 per hour? at schools? there better be nets!

YOG ops so far...

Ok, so i guess i kinda overhyped it up for myself. cuz so far its been real slack and easy! though its darn confusing that i am first an ops rm personnel, then a lobby personnel and now a carpark exit dude. =.=lll

Uniforms have also been received. A garish purple tight fit shirt (thank gawd i'm thin) and chino's with a too large waist pouch that will just fit me at the thinnest configuration( maybe cos my waist size actually dropped to 26"?!?( no wonder i'm not a driver, no built in spare tyre :P)) as well as a cap. But the best part? A debit card that also doubles as an ez link card that offers free transport from 10 to 28 Aug! The food vouchers also dun hurt ;) Mac's (yeah!!!) and Koufu (Hmmm....) this is dran important considering how expensive the food around the ritz is! $5 for a wonton mee that tastes great admittedly but is of a puny serving. hiax how to gain weight liddat?

Oh well that's all i guess. hope i din speak too soon. ( I have an unhappy habit of always doing so anw!)


Side stuff:
My appetite is weird nowadays. I either can't finish my food or feel hungry after a meal... Darn it!