Who am I?

around different people, you behave differently
that is common and not much to worry
yet the difference is sometimes kinda scary
especially when you think through it deeply
and start to wonder who are we ...really?

is it a facade? is it a show? do we even have multiple personalities?
will we forget who we really are? or is that what we actually are?
from introvert to extrovert; from leader to follower; from talker to listener... the list goes on...

is there really such a thing as finding yourself? or is it just maintaining the side of yourself that is most socially acceptable or perhaps the one you are most comfortable with or proud of?

Times in army so far

BMT:
The most fun and interesting part of army so far! For a person who lives for the moment, this was just brill. shooting, grenades, route marches( ok i hated it, but the chance to do random mods to songs is juz shiok!), stupid stuff you do in bunk. ahhhhhh... not to mention the only real physical training i had in the whole army so far! 0.o pull-ups reached 15 with more possible if the PTI hadn't stopped me during final IPPT T.T

Leopard FTW!!! turn check bang check left right left bang LEPAK!!!!

Boosted my belief in myself to no end i guess. realised that i could do most stuff A ok :)

posted to 3 TPT BN as a driver. real disappointment when i see some of those who make it to sispec... but i guess excuse loud noise meant it was a miracle i'm pes b and could check out the real BMT so still nt bad overall. heck i was not even allowed to shoot or throw grenades so thanks SGT jumali and Warrant thong for letting me do these!

Driving course:
a real mixed bag. tortorous book outs on late sat afternoons resulting in less than 24hr book outs >.< first time driving a vehicle. drove a truck for probably the only time in my life. made friends from all sorts of backgrounds instead of the normal so called educated people. heck these were the most random guys man! but failed driving test a whopping 8 times.
1: on the way back then...missed a van during my turn and stopped a bit late
2: squeezed in and was so pissed by that darn tester i beat a red light to freak him out further
3:All the way swee, then i kept left so no reason and obstructed traffic to go back on the right lane
4: uneventful
5: squeezed in again! complimented on my driving ( best of the day but too confident =.=) but still...
6: random tekan
7: forgot to on the headlights =.= karma and real retarded moment
8: bastard tester juz wanted to fail me insisting i had almost clipped a car at least 3 m behind me...

Fitness drastically dropped and had a freaky encounter while running at night with those LARC V guys... brrr

OOC:
Attached to HQ just confirmed to me clerk life is not for me. I live for the moment! So Slacking is good but not in such mad doses. OOCing just as the world cup KO stages started was good. My first proper world cup! :) Attached as RSM PA gave me an insight into how army works. Not too impressed though to tell the truth. A relative military noob with no training asked to create restricted documents and RAC forms for YOG?!?! An honour i guess, but still kinda weird. esp as the only reason i was chosen? GP got A 0.o

Realised that i could be pretty capable and able to handle these superiors. so boosted my self confidence a fair bit.

YOG:
PVS OPS EXCECUTIVE. muah haha. erm but i juz sit in the carpark and report to OPS room about vehicles exiting... quite a cool moment i guess. the first YOG and i'm involved! now how many can say that? civi life too! way to burn part of my 1yr 10 months in army ;) reunited with those LARC V guys again :)
Exit dudes: Joshua, Jackson, Brandon, Tuck Wai, Calvin, Trevor.
Haha one heck of a moment was tricking James into staying in his position by imitating OPS RM. EPIC!!!! haha pairing 2 random fools like me and joshua will give you that ;)
Visting the istana and walking around inside was cool too. though the actual building is still a mystery.
Tempered near the end by my sudden revocation and an incident involving a missing phone...
And showed my flair for getting free stuff. YOG umbrella anyone? ;) and bryan took one of my umbrellas too or i would have had 2!

Learned to control people and stand my ground.

Celebration was kinda cool. UNIVERSAL STUDIOS FTW!!! Don't understand why so many didn't wanna go. but still Laffy, Joshua, Xian Fong( new sec comm and ex leopard same platoon o.0) and YY meant i was able to go pure crazy AKA pure me ;) Nice ending to my time with these guys i guess. All the best guys! Wish Wee Min AKA Michael could have made it tho. he woulda loved it...

OETI:
Ok only a short while there but already made some brill friends! haha so long since i had friends same year as me living in the same area. weird huh... haha seeing another side of army with the uber excuses: excuse sunlight anyone? or how about MCs for various reasons over 2 weeks? how a bout 4 specialist appointments in 1 day for 1 ankle that is more or less ok? unbullievahble!
And finally had physical training! Pull up count? Cui! like only 5 plus a bit now? learning to maintain vehicles i used to drive is a real irony too!



shall edit as things change

Stuff I realised that i didn't know

I always saw myself as a sui bian kinda guy. After all, i normally let others decide where to eat, what to do and stuff. But during one of my conversations with Brandon, he commented that i am actually a bloody opinionated guy with rather fixed viewpoints that are not easily noticed! And on reflection i guess this is true too. I have rarely if ever agreed to do stuff which go against my principles(which are getting to be a bit too much). Heck, i normally will do what i wanna do whether you like it or not! And in discussions with people, you do have to be someone who is very convincing or someone i really trust to ever change my opinion on things. Heck, even after 2 whole hours telling me the roles and difficulties faced by SGTS and LTs (yea right), i still maintained and in fact reinforced my view that it wasn't that much of a big deal. After all i come from a UG, that was much tougher than this army nonsense even though it was ONLY red cross! lol, i kinda people who wanna make me change my views sometimes. they put so much effort in, then... i say another opposing statement! The looks on their faces can be so priceless too! :P that uber du lan face when they realise they failed! especially if they had a smug face just momemnts earlier when i nod my head in mock agreement! lol sometimes i just act like i agree to save both our times, then do what i wanna later.

then again, i must say that i am a bit too easy to influence from my close friends. i mean taking history in sec school cos my cousin took it, supporting united cos he does so. taking econs cos most of my friends were. hell! i mean even psychology is due to a conversation with YJ where he preached to me ( successfully) how it will be more useful esp as the world is so stressful nowadays!

Another weird thing i notice, i am a bit too ready to help my friends even if it means giving up something for myself... its a good trait i guess, after all most of my good friends have this! but i gotta stop doing this for ALL friends. after all, not everyone is selfless even to friends. Kinda explains why i hate army so much i guess. This " care for soldiers" is totally bull st*&. I have seen so many of my friends suffer unnecessarily. those who make it are those who wayang and care only for themselves. Coming from a ug where we do not leave any man behind is a mantra to us, this is disappointing TTM.

I am a sucker for fairness, at all costs sometimes =/ I kinda get pissed unnecessarily when certain things happen even if its to ppl i don't even know! like juz frens of friends or smthing like that. another thing that ns made me realise.

I also keep my true feelings hidden too much. i may be moping or feeling really down. But i always put on this happy or brave face. for what? i don't know! partly cuz i'm a guy and guys have to be.... yeah u know lah ;) and i hate my friends to worry bout me. A moment that sticks in my mind is when i just failed driving and OOCed. most were stunned at how happy i was. heck ,i was dying inside lah. Only the IC ( Cpl Sim) saw that i was actually damn sad and talked to me and helped me to release some emotions. Maybe cos i am the older bro and the only guy at home for a few years when my dad worked overeas? But i tend to put on this bold front so people don't have to worry bout me...

Which also means when i cannot take it, i gets kinda ugly. Kicking a ball so hard, repeatedly, that my toes bled; not being able to sleep for a few days in a row. my old methods i guess. thank god for rediscovering poems or rhymes to be more accurate. no wonder artists are so emo. your best works really come when you release your emotions in the form of words or art!

I also seem to be an agony aunt for my close friends. People normally approach me for advice! i dunno why too! heck i have gotten people askin me stuff relating to relationships when i've been a single guy all my life! ( proud of it, yet wouldn't mind a change :P) family issues, studies... haha maybe cos i'm a good listener? spending a few hours listening and only uttering a few words are real common for me sometimes lol. But its kinda good too, knowing that they feel better after it. though the fact i get pissed off at unfairness and stuff mean that i kinda become a container for their grievances that gets filled up but rarely empties!

I guess i'm one of those poeple who does not do large groups. I mean, looking back , most of my gatherings consist of around 3-6 people? any larger, and i normally talk less, listen more. but in these small groups i suddenly speak a lot more, can crack those lame jokes and do all those impersonations even in public! or to be more accurate, be myself. hmm still ,i gotta improve and learn to be more... myself? in larger groups.

I am also much more confident about myself than in the past. haha those years in a boys school was great, but that coupled with the fact that all bar 1 of my cousins are male meant that i was far too nervous around girls in JC. In fact its kinda easy to spot the boys school guy lol. he's either spending too much time with girls, or too nervous and weird around them. Thankfully i think i've gotten over this nonsense now. organising people and stuff are also much easier now than in the past where i just wanted to hide one corner! ironic that i can credit NS a bit for this. After all, i see the people who get in sispec, KNOW i'm much better than most of them, and kinda determined to prove myself.

I also have weird ways to be motivated. My strongest motivators are to beat someone i can't stand or someone i respect a lot! Esp true in VS. my poor PSLE grades and the incopetency demonstrated by some who scored better made me super determined to pwn em in O's. and i got 6 points. Same rule when running 2.4km or cross country. only if someone i can't stand passes me, then i suddenly have reserves of energy just to beat them. weird i say

one last thing, i'm really lazay, so though i still got more, i shall stop now.

Kinda crazy how all that free time in NS allows you to reflect and realise how much you have changed and have become form what you thought you were.