Here i am at the polyclinic again. Exactly one week after my accidental discovery of those stress fractures... This time just for a puny headache and dizziness that i normally would just shrug off and not allow to interfere with proceeding on with the days activities... But i guess times change and people change huh. I would label thos as chao keng in the past. Now? I kinda don't care so much anymore.
I keep telling myself not to get worked up over unfairness or stupidity that I will inevitably encounter in daily life. especially NS. Yet... it seems doing so has only made me apathetic at times or over-reactive! I guess now is an apathetic moment. I just can't be bothered to report to camp at an ungodly hour just to do absolutely nothing, spending 4 bucks just on transport alone...
Lately this has been happening a lot too! I guess that's why people fear having too much free time. your mind wanders and you end up thinking too much and overanalysing stuff. being tge random guy I am I guess I'm presently dealing with it by reporting sick at the polyclinic and finding out solutions for my minor problems. I guess the somewhat peaceful solitude I get here helps too!
I just can't pit a finger on the origin of all this angst. after all I finally have a group of friends who are living in the same vicinity and hence travelling is no longer the lonely business it once was!I have even more football kakis than before. the people around are of the relaxed and fun variety. help my injury has been with me for so long I'm not even affected by it in any significant way despite its supposed serousness. So what is it that is bothering me?
Maybe its really just me? Perhaps I demand more of myself. perhaps seeing most of my friends in more army like vocations, or rising up the ranks, going through tough but cool courses I wanted to go through but never got a chance to has left me questioning myself in ways I rarely or never did before! is it really the excuse loud noise that held me back or izzit just me? is it possible that my friends were just being nice by expressing their surprise at my exclusion from such courses? Maybe I am not as good as I make myself out to be! Yet in the back of my mind, I know self doubt does nowt, so I stop myself, but then I begin again. I guess I live not so much for the moment, but only in the moment, and just exist in the meantime. doing nothing of note or importance, whileing time away, secretly fearing and hating all the nothingness.
Restlessness
Thine enemy art thou
yet in weakness
made shalt be vows
to put such moments behind bars
and be bothered by this no more.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
EXCUUUSE ME!!!
Hmm isn't it ironic? I look at people with a whole bunch of excuses and label them chao keng if they look fine and do not look in any particular discomfort. Now... I am among these people! Excused a whole load of stuff for 3months due to bi tibial fractures
Going to the polyclinic yesterday to get pimple cream( another story) and a referral to see a specialist for my chronic shin pain, I was stunned by the doctor's enthusiasm to send me for a specialist! oh big pimple? wanna see skin centre? 0.o obviously I gave her the eyebrow and said no.... then I asked about my ankle( not a typo) and she was like ok go cgh sports medicine. Bingo! finally a referral, especially since I wanted it looked into since jc but waited till army cos it was free! ( haha just getting my gst back :P)
So off I went to the friendly Chinese-eurasian looking Malay physiologist. he did some physical examinations then asked me to go for an x ray for my shin. ( To cut a long story short, I had somehow managed to ask about my shin and stuff after his initial queries bout my ankle :P)
Post x ray, he showed me the digital copy( wow I din know they now did that! ), which revealed that both shine had stress fractures! like wth right? start with ankle, incidentally fine), end up realising I have been living with shin fractures for some time! urgh... No wonder I felt pain after every run!
So now I have become a member of the chao keng brigade I guess. heck I can be a senior member! excuse lower limb, running, marching, jumping, heavy load, prolonged standing, sentry duty ( YAY!!! ), and IPPT ( NOOOO, MY $100!!!!) Oh ya not to mention that stupid excuse loud noise environment,explosives , and er something else... But this comes with a real heavy price besides that $100, I'm not supposed to play soccer, badminton or even jog for 3 months! 0.o
Irony? Hell yeah.
Going to the polyclinic yesterday to get pimple cream( another story) and a referral to see a specialist for my chronic shin pain, I was stunned by the doctor's enthusiasm to send me for a specialist! oh big pimple? wanna see skin centre? 0.o obviously I gave her the eyebrow and said no.... then I asked about my ankle( not a typo) and she was like ok go cgh sports medicine. Bingo! finally a referral, especially since I wanted it looked into since jc but waited till army cos it was free! ( haha just getting my gst back :P)
So off I went to the friendly Chinese-eurasian looking Malay physiologist. he did some physical examinations then asked me to go for an x ray for my shin. ( To cut a long story short, I had somehow managed to ask about my shin and stuff after his initial queries bout my ankle :P)
Post x ray, he showed me the digital copy( wow I din know they now did that! ), which revealed that both shine had stress fractures! like wth right? start with ankle, incidentally fine), end up realising I have been living with shin fractures for some time! urgh... No wonder I felt pain after every run!
So now I have become a member of the chao keng brigade I guess. heck I can be a senior member! excuse lower limb, running, marching, jumping, heavy load, prolonged standing, sentry duty ( YAY!!! ), and IPPT ( NOOOO, MY $100!!!!) Oh ya not to mention that stupid excuse loud noise environment,explosives , and er something else... But this comes with a real heavy price besides that $100, I'm not supposed to play soccer, badminton or even jog for 3 months! 0.o
Irony? Hell yeah.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The screwed up day today was
So far so diao
Today was my Bro's B'Day, happy birthday kiddo!
BUT it was also a day my parents got into one of their stupid arguments over some small matter that they blow up and affect the whole family. =.=
So as usual, me and my bro have to act as the mediator. fine more of me. my bro is just my emotional support. after all he's kinda autistic so.... yea
Basically we had a very screwed up b day celebration lunch. it was too early in the mornin for such shit to me... and the whole atmosphere juz sucked. my bro being who he is, just enjoyed his food and i juz did my usual thing and acted happy... yeah right. look at the photos my parents insisted on taking and my eyes give me away. ever seen happy cum pissed? yea that was it all right...
Geez, if only i could be my bro. innocent and carefree. Ah to be free from worries and just be himself. No facades or acts from him which is how i sometimes wish i could be...
After all my life till now can hardly be considered normal. Being somewhat mature for my age when young meant that even my parents used me to let go of their emotions, even now they still do. My dad when to work overseas, so for a few years i was kinda the man of the house. So at all times i had to keep up this "yea i'm great" show so i don't add on to their worries. Being able to read people naturally doesn't help too. throw in the fact that while i'm no only child, after all, my bro is more like my child! and i kinda see why i never really know who i am and am always guarded about my feelings!
After all, in such a situation, what can you do? If you let it out, people worry for you. And gawd knows they also have enough on their plates. Pride and independence also makes it harder to allow people in anyway. Yet besides dealing with all my problems myself, i also gotta deal with other people's problems!
Haix, maybe i should juz stop acting so strong and just be one of them normal guys who whine and generally spoil the mood. After all doing this just means that sooner or later i'll burst... again and its never pretty. Like a solid hour hammering the ball against the wall till my leg bled and i continued anyway...
No man is an island, but sometimes don't you feel like one?
Today was my Bro's B'Day, happy birthday kiddo!
BUT it was also a day my parents got into one of their stupid arguments over some small matter that they blow up and affect the whole family. =.=
So as usual, me and my bro have to act as the mediator. fine more of me. my bro is just my emotional support. after all he's kinda autistic so.... yea
Basically we had a very screwed up b day celebration lunch. it was too early in the mornin for such shit to me... and the whole atmosphere juz sucked. my bro being who he is, just enjoyed his food and i juz did my usual thing and acted happy... yeah right. look at the photos my parents insisted on taking and my eyes give me away. ever seen happy cum pissed? yea that was it all right...
Geez, if only i could be my bro. innocent and carefree. Ah to be free from worries and just be himself. No facades or acts from him which is how i sometimes wish i could be...
After all my life till now can hardly be considered normal. Being somewhat mature for my age when young meant that even my parents used me to let go of their emotions, even now they still do. My dad when to work overseas, so for a few years i was kinda the man of the house. So at all times i had to keep up this "yea i'm great" show so i don't add on to their worries. Being able to read people naturally doesn't help too. throw in the fact that while i'm no only child, after all, my bro is more like my child! and i kinda see why i never really know who i am and am always guarded about my feelings!
After all, in such a situation, what can you do? If you let it out, people worry for you. And gawd knows they also have enough on their plates. Pride and independence also makes it harder to allow people in anyway. Yet besides dealing with all my problems myself, i also gotta deal with other people's problems!
Haix, maybe i should juz stop acting so strong and just be one of them normal guys who whine and generally spoil the mood. After all doing this just means that sooner or later i'll burst... again and its never pretty. Like a solid hour hammering the ball against the wall till my leg bled and i continued anyway...
No man is an island, but sometimes don't you feel like one?
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